Fruit Pie Poetry

I'm working on the follow-up to the last post, so I thought I'd give you something to read in the meantime.

For some reason, I allowed little brother (#2) to talk me into signing up with ANOTHER dating site. It actually wasn't that hard, as Lava and POF have been teeming with idiots and assholes as of late, and I was beyond frustrated.

The new site is well designed (yay!), and free, with lots of compatibility questions to answer. I think it's likely a combination of Plenty of Fish and eHarmony?

Right off the bat, I got an e-mail from this super cute guy. Outdoorsy, tattooed, great smile—my type exactly. He sent me an IM and we were chatting about travel and extreme sports, when he suddenly cut me off to ask me what I was looking for on the site. I informed him that I'm hoping to eventually find something long-term, but I begin with dating and go from there. He seemed happy with that, and then told me he had to be honest, so as not to waste my time.

Those are always scary words in the online dating world.

cuteguy: i'm in an open relationship!
redhead: Yeah, that's not going to work for me. Appreciate the honesty.
cuteguy: no problem…too bad, but understandable

SERIOUSLY? Does that actually work for people?

So, not a great first impression of the site.

Since then I've received a few e-mails, mostly from guys that I rejected on Lava and POF. I think they are hoping I don't remember them, and that they have another shot. The answer is still no.

And then I received the following e-mail, which I can't seem to wrap my head around:

When I got up this morning, I saw you looking at my profile so I pulled up yours. The first words I saw were, in order, "independent, unpredictable, stubborn and ambitious, alternative and passionate". This made me stop reading your profile and get a coffee. When I came back I noticed that a woman had sent me an email saying that she had read my profile and loved the ideas in it but was concerned I might be dangerous. I couldn’t help but think that this was a strange way for a woman to try to meet a man.

In my Old Country, women display their willingness to mate with men by baking them fruit pies. As the men eat the pies with women recite love poetry they have written comparing the torment inherent in being separated from the man in question with the slaughter of our indigenous peoples. While there is no requirement for these poems to be in quatrain iambic pentameter, there is an expectation that the rhyme scheme and structure of the poem follow a set form much like a sonnet in an effort to make the poem a suitable length to cover the time period an average man takes to eat an average pie. I know things are different in Canada yet having a women suggest to me that I might be dangerous seemed better suited to Klingon mating than something between humans.

In any case, I did eventually return to your profile and read it in sentence form rather than just snatching word fragments from the page. I liked the artistic side of you and I appreciate that you like men with a sense of humour although I don’t have one myself.

Anyway, I thought maybe you could read my profile and take from it and from this email what you will. I guess the most important thing I have to say to you concerns the issues raised by my earlier interlocutor - I am a little crazy I guess but I am really enjoying it. I don’t think of myself as dangerous and some how I get the idea I might just be a flavour of crazy you would like.


P.S. When I first started to write this I knew full well that it was going to have a copy and paste feel to it that I know women don’t really like. The simple reality is that these things really did happen today and that i really did right this to you – take that for what you will

Dangerous? Old Country? Fruit pies? WTF?

This is what I'm dealing with, people.


  1. Wow. I do not envy you.

    I once had a guy online tell me he wanted to date me. Assumed I would say yes, he told me he wanted to stay a virgin but blow jobs are OK.

    Since he was old enough to be my Uncle and I was in no way interested, I told him I was dating someone.

  2. Hi Lici!

    Ugh, disturbing.

    I don't know what is up with the online dating world recently, but I've never seen it so bad. Assholes and idiots at every turn! Not a single guy I've considered going on a date with since before Christmas. Sigh.

    P.S. I've been meaning to tell you that I've been following your invitation designs on Twitter. They are lovely!

  3. Anonymous6:36 PM

    I think this guy is a genius, and if you don't have sex with him I will.