Spanking the Monkey

I know, I know, I've been a bad blogger. What can I say? Life just gets in the way sometimes. So much to tell you…

Just before I went on vacation for a week with my family, I had a date that was so boring, I'm not even going to waste your time with a play-by-play. Nice guy, but there was absolutely no spark between us. He was also a newbie to online dating. What's wrong with newbies, you may ask? Well, I avoid newbies as much as possible, due to the fact that the online dating world seems so bright and shiny to them at first. So many women! Smiles! E-mails! IMs! They are excited by their sudden popularity (read: fresh meat), and visions of an entourage of women dancing in their heads. Newbies aren't interested in anything serious; they want to play the field and explore their options. Whenever I find out I'm on a date with a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed newbie, I want to pat them sympathetically on the head and tell them I'll see them in about six months. Six months gives them plenty of time to go on a bunch of dates and realize there's a whole lot of bullshit that comes with online dating. The number one thing women lie about on online profiles? Weight (for men, it's height). I have heard that a VAST majority of women online do not resemble the picture(s) they have posted, and most are desperate and clingy. When I meet up with a guy who has been doing the online dating thing long enough to know better, I can almost hear them sigh with relief when they meet me, as I'm told that not only do I resemble my pictures, but I'm better looking in person (which I will admit is a bit of an ego-boost, especially for someone who has major self-esteem issues from time to time. Did I mention that three years ago, I was 40lbs heavier? I will get to that in upcoming posts), and they find out rather quickly that I'm not going to stalk them the next day.

Just as I expected, I have not heard from the boring guy since that date. I'm hoping that he also felt the lack of sparkage, and that's that.

As for Mr. Ego, I haven't seen him since the last post about him. Yes, he is still poking me on Facebook.

Cutie and I had it out awhile ago, when he invited himself over to see me and my "huge boobies" (I so wish I was joking about that), and then told me he "kinda" had a girlfriend via MSN.

Redhead: What? Define "kinda".
Cutie: She's in Vancouver.
Redhead: Look, you can come over, but we're not making out like last time if you have a girlfriend.
Cutie: But boobies are okay!
Redhead: Um, no.
Cutie: You're a mean person.
Redhead: What are you, twelve? You have a girlfriend. Don't be a cheating asshole. In fact, forget this. Don't come over.
Cutie: But I don't. I was just testing you.
Redhead: Huh? Testing me about what?
Cutie: You only said I could come over so you could have your way with me.
Redhead: What the FUCK are you talking about?
Cutie: Slut.
Redhead: I have no patience for your stupid head games today. I invited you over to hang out and watch tv. You obviously have other ideas, and may or may not have a girlfriend, so fuck this.

We didn't speak to each other for weeks, and then he sent me this:

your beauty is like the glinting reflection of the sun in the face of a broad tree saw while its being bowed back and forth distorting the beams of light

your boobs are like sweet coconut melons having fallen through the burst of a matter deformatron 5000 giving the nuts a jelly warbling texture and resulting in fifty foot bounces off pavement they would otherwise have smashed to smithereens upon

your bum is like the bum of a woman fighting the aging process with affordable solutions for plastic surgery

i'm a poet of poetry.

I laughed my ass off. What a strange boy.

Redhead: Yes, you certainly are a poet.
Cutie: I'm coming over to hang out tonight. I miss you.
Redhead: I fucked up my back, so I'm spending the night doped up on muscle relaxants and watching tv. If you don't mind the drooling, you're welcome to join me.
Cutie: Deal!

By the time I got home that night, my back was feeling better, so I began to make pizza from scratch. My iPhone buzzed.

Cutie: Well?
Redhead: I'm making pizza for dinner. Do you want pizza?
Cutie: YES!

I finished making the pizza and waited....and waited...and waited.

Redhead: Are you coming over sometime this year?
Cutie: Yes.
Redhead: Hurry up, I'm hungry.
Cutie: K. Leaving now.

I put the pizza in the oven, figuring it would be done by the time Cutie arrived. An hour later, the pizza was getting cold and there was still no sign of him. I couldn't wait any longer (I'm mildly hypoglycemic, and get shaky and weak if I don't eat), and scarfed down two slices. By this point, I was pretty sure I was being stood up.


What the fuck was that?

Crack! Crack!

I got up and walked to my kitchen window. There was Cutie, sitting on the fence, throwing pennies at the glass. I gave him a look and held my hand up to my ear as if to say 'ever heard of a phone, dumbass?', then motioned for him to meet me at the front of the building.

I let Cutie in and he told me his phone had died, then made himself comfortable on my couch. I offered him cold pizza, and after whining about the lack of meat topping (I've been eating semi-vegetarian lately), he devoured two slices and deemed it "gourmet".

I hooked up my computer to my television, and Cutie put on one of the weird You Tube animations that he loves so much. As the film progressed, I noticed him moving closer and closer to me, until his head was in my lap, and he grabbed my arm and put it around him. Then he tried to put his hand up my shirt.

"Cutie," I said, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," he replied, his hand slowly moving higher.

"I thought you came over to watch tv."

He ignored me, and attempted to get his hand into my bra. I grabbed his wrist, and forcefully removed his hand from my shirt. That sure as hell didn't stop him, and he groped at me until I found myself wedged against the back of the couch, fending off octopus hands that were coming at me from every direction. When I pushed him away from my shirt, he would try to get my pants undone, and vice-versa. It was like a high school flashback.

"Cutie, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. STOP!" I said.

That's when he changed tactics, and started fiddling with his own pants.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I just wanna rub it against you," he mumbled, pulling out his penis and tugging at the back of my jeans. Holy fucking shit. How do I get myself into these situations?!

Cutie climbed on top of me, and when I opened my eyes, there was a penis in face.

"Oh, what the fuck?" I said.

He shoved it towards my mouth, and attempted one of those subtle tugs on the back of my head.

"I am NOT sucking your dick. Stop it!"

"Please," he mumbled, "Just for a minute."

"Cutie, my back hurts. GET OFF ME!" I yelled.

He finally sat back, and began jerking off. Of course.

"Can I finish on your boobs?" he asked.


"You're so mean," he said, and continued to jack off.

I sighed. "Yeah, I fed you dinner and allowed you to rub your penis against me. I'm a real bitch. Finish spanking the monkey and then you can leave."

He did, and I brought him some Kleenex.

After cleaning up, instead of leaving, he ate another slice of pizza and talked about how he sneaks into movies by running up the down escalator (he's 29 going on 14, apparently), because he was recently laid off and money was tight. He also mentioned that a friend of his in Vancouver (his hometown) had become a recluse schizophrenic, and Cutie was dating his ex-girlfriend.

So he did have a girlfriend. Lovely.

"What time do you usually go to bed?" he asked me.

"About now," I replied.

"Well, I should get going," he said, stood up, and walked to the door. He told me he owed me dinner, gave me a quick hug, and left.

I immediately sat down at my computer and blocked Cutie on MSN, as I was feeling a little violated by the whole encounter and had no interest in talking to him. In fact, I have not talked to him since. Sigh. Cutie to Creepy, just like that.

In other news, I have a date this Thursday, and it's been awhile, so wish me luck! Also, The Plumber is back and texting me a LOT (yes, and flirting). This could get interesting...

1 comment :

  1. Anonymous1:38 AM

    This is the craziest/funniest thing i've ever read.