Apologies and Damages

Please accept my humble apologies for being very absent as of late. To be honest, life has been really shitty for me. I hate/despise/LOATHE my job. I've been working ridiculous amounts of uncompensated overtime, which doesn't exactly inspire my writing. All of my spare time has been dedicated to updating my portfolio so I can start looking for something that doesn't make me want to use my X-ACTO® knife for the powers of evil, ie. stabbing a Fashionista in the eye.

I'm still not sleeping very well, but I'm hoping a return to running, yoga, and healthy eating will fix that. Goodbye Big Macs; it was fun while it lasted!

Emotionally, I've been very down, and all will make sense once I catch up with my stories. It will take time before I'm ready, but writing it out is very therapeutic for me, as I have a tendency to be an emotional volcano; keeping everything inside until the point of explosion.


Cutie: is not speaking to me, after I had to cancel plans with him a couple times due to work, and then ignored his phone calls at 3:30am a week ago. He was drunk, in the neighbourhood, and wanted to "crash on my couch". I'm not stupid. I know what "crash on your couch" means. And while The Beast is starving to death (dudes, it's been almost eight MONTHS), The Beast is also sleeping at 3:30am.

The next morning I asked Cutie if he had taken leave of his senses when he called me six times at that hour of the morning. He was mad at me for not answering, called me the most "unspontaneous" person he had ever met, and I may or may not have told him to go fuck himself. Good times.

Marathon Guy: tried to call me two weekends ago. I didn't answer. He didn't leave a message. He has graduated to Stage 9 Clinger.

Wilderness Man
: seems to be the proverbial nice guy. He got me a small birthday gift and a really sweet card. During the Olympics, I told him I couldn't find a Canada t-shirt in my size, so he went out and found me one. He remembered that I love the show Mantracker, so he took me to the Outdoor Adventure Show to meet him in person (we met up with Stef and she gave him the thumbs-up).

Unfortunately, with the hours I've been working, I haven't had much spare time to see Wilderness Man since I got back from vacation. He's been getting a little frustrated with me, and I've been feeling guilty.

I like him, but I'm not in a rush to be his (or anyone's) girlfriend, so I'm taking things incredibly slow. Sometimes I feel like all my experiences have left me damaged; I'm more cynical and glass-half-empty than I've ever been, and I have a very hard time with the idea of putting my heart out there and trusting a guy again.

I'm just so tired after years and years of bullshit, and I haven't felt this down in a long time. I'm not really sure what to do or where to go from here?

Questions? Comments? Advice?

P.S. New post tonight — promise!

1 comment :

  1. Anonymous6:41 PM

    It's so hard to make yourself vulnerable again, especially when past experience teaches that it'll just fuck you over.

    But if you see Wilderness Guy as worth it, maybe suggest some little things you can do together in your day when you *do* have some breaks from work. It'll let him know that you haven't forgotten him, and maybe spending some more time with him will warm you up to the idea of being around him and learning to trust him. There are good guys out there. It sounds like he could be one of them.

    I assume he's working full time, but maybe you could even do something really simple like grab lunch together? Even if he's up for spending 30 minutes to say hello, catch up and keep contact going.

    More than anything, though - be gentle with yourself, honey. Give yourself time to breathe, because you deserve some peace. If you need to break down and let off some compressed steam so it can happen, then do it. Scream it all out. What you're going through right now really blows, and the job situation doesn't help at all.

    (And I have yet to believe that Fashionistas are made for anything else.)