Train Wreck (The Plumber, Part Two)

I think this story was partially responsible for me getting my current job. During my interview (at a pub, might I add), my boss asked me about guys, and stared at me in horror as I told her about the wedding. I think I was hired out of pity.

I looked HOT. I was wearing my cleavagey halter dress and heels as high as I could manage (I tend to walk like a newborn baby giraffe in anything higher than an inch and a half). My hair was perfectly straightened and my makeup impeccable.

I was standing in the backyard of my apartment building, having a smoke, when The Plumber arrived in his new blue Jeep with the top down (so much for my hair). He told me that I looked great, and we headed off to Alliston.

We arrived a bit early, so The Plumber and I decided to stop at Tim Hortons to grab some coffee and something small to eat. That was when he decided to drop the bomb: he was seeing someone, and The Mechanic was seeing one of her friends. I was pissed. Not that he had a girlfriend, but that he hadn't told me beforehand (I didn't dare to ask if she knew where he was that day). He had also been flirting with me since we met almost a year previous, all the way up until a few minutes before he dropped the gf bomb. I knew, at that moment, that inviting him had been a really bad idea, but what I didn't know is that it was going to get much, much worse.

The wedding ceremony took place in the garden at the Nottawasaga Inn, and was absolutely beautiful; I've never seen Big Sis and Broken look so happy. Writing this reminds me of how much I miss them — hi guys!

Following the ceremony, there was a two hour intermission before cocktails, so The Plumber and I checked into our room, picked up some beer, and grabbed some sandwiches. Then we sat on the balcony and had a few drinks and smokes. I managed to get sunburnt.

After getting lost in the huge hotel a couple times, we found the reception and got in line to give the bride, groom, and their families our congratulations. The Plumber went down the line with a beer in hand, and awkwardly greeted the bridesmaid that he had gone out with once and never called again.

We sat down to a fantastic dinner, had a few glasses of wine, made some toasts to the bride and groom, and listened to some short-but-sweet speeches. Everything was just perfect, except for the fact that The Plumber was already intoxicated, and began to get rather loud and obnoxious. He noticed the silver bracelets on my arm, interrupted my conversation with the person sitting beside me and said, "I don't like those."

I looked at him. "Excuse me?"

"I don't like your bracelets."


"So, if I told my girlfriend that I didn't like something she wore, she would take it off," he said.

"Well, good thing I'm not your girlfriend then, because I don't allow a guy to dictate what I should and shouldn't wear," I snapped at him, then went back to my conversation.

When the music started, he dragged me out on the dance floor for some fast songs, and to my horror, he danced like some sort of cracked out hillbilly with no co-ordination. That description doesn't even do him justice. It was awful, and The Plumber grew more irritating by the second. I took him outside for a cigarette and some fresh air, and he was stumbling, slurring his words, and had a bad case of the wobbles.

Back inside, we sat down at our table, which was pretty much filled with bridesmaids at that point. The Plumber was trashed, and I noticed him talking to this little blond thing (henceforth to be known as LBT) standing beside his chair. Without a word in my direction, he grabbed her hand and took her out on the dance floor. Asshole. How stupid did I feel as I sat alone and my date danced with someone else? That's when the bridesmaid who went out with him tapped me on my arm and said, "Hey, what are you doing over there? Come sit with us."

I slid over and muttered, "Well, it appears my date has just ditched me."

"Honey, that one is NOT worth it."

I liked her immediately. One of the other girls told me that if she were me, she'd go out there and knee the fucker in the balls. I liked her too.

Since it didn't seem like The Plumber would be back anytime soon, the bridesmaid and I went out for a smoke. She told me that going out with him had been one of her worst dating experiences. They went snow tubing and he asked her to come back to his place afterwards for lunch. When they arrived, his whole family was there, and they screamed at each other in the living room while she ate her lunch alone in the kitchen. She prayed that he would never call her again, and thankfully, he didn't. "I'm going to give you a piece of advice," she told me, "and I suggest you listen to it. That guy is the biggest tool I've ever met. Get rid of him and do it now."

I laughed and told her it was already the plan; I just had to get through the rest of the night.

We headed back to the reception and discovered that the Tool was still with LBT, who was, by the way, SIXTEEN years old. Big Sis used to babysit her, and said to The Plumber, "Touch her and I'll fucking break you in half." Awesome.

The Plumber finally stumbled over to me, and looked taken aback by all the death glares I'm sure the girls I was sitting with were giving him. "Do you want another drink?" he slurred, and I just shook my head at him. He turned around and headed back across the room to LBT, then they walked out of the hall together. I fumed, as there were other people I could have brought to the wedding with me, who would have danced with me and talked to me, and I would have had a good time. I pushed these thoughts out of my head and hung out with the bridesmaids, who turned out to be a really great bunch of girls.

A good forty-five minutes to an hour later, The Plumber made his unsteady way across the hall, sat down beside me, and asked me how it was going. I gave him an incredulous look, stood up, announced to the girls that I was going for a smoke, turned heel, and walked away from him.

Standing outside, puffing angrily on my cigarette, I was shocked when he followed me just moments later. For a second, I entertained the idea that I should pretend like everything was fine and it didn't bother me. Then I came to my senses and remembered that The Plumber walked all over women, and was used to them just taking it.

"Why the hell did you just walk away from me?" he asked.

My temper started to flare; I felt it rise from my toes, my face got really red, and I just exploded, "Fuck you. The little girl, was it past her bedtime? Is that why you're alone?"

He wobbled and slurred, "What are you talking about? Oh, I have ONE dance with another girl, and you get mad?"

"Oh, you are SO full of shit. One dance? ONE? You're a fucking LIAR," I spat at him.

"I can't believe you're pissed," he muttered, "It was one dance. Ask the bride and groom. Only one. Then I asked you if you wanted a drink and you said no. I didn't ditch you."

"Fuck you. You're just like the rest of them. Guys wonder why I don't trust them and it's because of mother-fucking ASSHOLES like you. You sick cradle robber, she is SIXTEEN YEARS OLD!"

"No, she's your age!"

"Incorrect, Fucker. Try again," I told him.

He got this nasty grin on his face, took a wobbly step toward me and said, "Oh, does everyone think we're a couple? Did you want them to think we were a couple? Is THAT the problem, Redhead?"

Holy douchebag. My temper flared again and I raised my voice to say, "Oh no, Asshole. Let me make something perfectly fucking clear. You and I, we're not a couple. We have never been and never will be a couple, and I am thankful for that. You were simply one huge mistake. If you didn't want to come with me, you should have said so, because there are other people who would have come with me in a second and I would have had a great time with them. So fuck you. You're being an asshole, and you're drunk and embarassing, not to mention delusional. If you think I'm going to put up with your bullshit, you've got another thing coming. Wrong girl. Fuck you."

He had nothing, and stood there wobbling and muttering about how he couldn't believe I was mad. I lit another smoke and told him I was done and to shut it.

Big Sis and the bridesmaid came outside, with raised eyebrows directed at me. I shook my head at them and they continued past us, but remained within earshot.

"Hey, why don't you guys come over here and listen to this crap she's saying to me?" he said to them, loudly.

I got right in his face and said, "Oh, believe me, you don't want them in on this conversation. Because guess what, Asshole? They're on my side."

The bridesmaid laughed and said, "Buddy, you don't want us to come over there. That's a bad idea."

The Plumber took this as his cue to leave me alone to cool off, so I went and hung out with the girls. They couldn't believe what a jerk he was. We had a few laughs at his expense, and then it was time to call it a night and fetch Wobbles.

Dragging his wasted ass through the hotel and up to our room (with two double beds, and I thanked the Powers that Be for that small gift), he bitched about how stupid I was being. "I can't believe you got so mad. It was just ONE dance, that's it. Then I asked if you wanted a drink and you said no."

I sighed, loudly. "Shut up. I'm done with this conversation. Just let it go."

"I can't let it go. I'm seeing someone, so..."

"So what? News Flash: I don't care. What part of 'you were a huge mistake' did you not understand?" I asked him.

He got all huffy, because I wasn't one of those girls who would beg to be with him, pout about the girlfriend, and say or do whatever he wanted. The Plumber was a big ego compensating for a lack of class, personality, and humanity. He passed out in a drunken, snoring heap on one of the beds, and I curled up in a little ball on the balcony. I called a couple of my friends and did my best not to cry, even though I was freezing and miserable and just wanted to go home.

Morning arrived, bright and harsh. The Plumber had sobered up and hit me with pillows to wake me. He tried to argue that LBT was older than sixteen and he absolutely did not ditch me, but I simply packed my bag and refused to talk about it.

Approximately three months later, I left the company for my new graphic design job. While I was heartbroken to leave Big Sis, Broken, and most of the guys, I was not sad to have The Plumber out of my life...or so I thought. I was out with friends one winter night when my phone rang. It was The Plumber. "Hey, you! How's it going?"

"I'm okay," I said, slightly confused, "How are you?"

"Not so good!" he yelled into the phone, and I knew he was drunk.

I sighed. "Why not?"

"Because I don't have my Redhead with me!"

I pushed 'end' on my phone; I wasn't interested in his mind games. He tried to call back a few times, but I ignored him.

The Plumber has since moved out to British Columbia, and he sends me a text message about once a year just to say hi and what's up. I usually respond, because nearly five years later, I'm SO over it, and I highly doubt I'll ever see him again. To this day, seeing one of the company trucks makes me shake my head and laugh at all the drama that happened during my one year there. It also makes me think of my Big Sis, and how I know she'll always be there for me if I need her :)

P.S. Tonight's date has been postponed until after Hallowe'en (he's going on a road trip out to B.C.). He says he hates the thought of meeting me, and really liking me, and then having to disappear for a week and a half before he can see me again. He wants to get together as soon as he's back...and I'll believe it when I see it.


  1. Oh good lord!
    If I didn't know this was true I would definitely think it was a nightmare that you had!!

  2. Anonymous10:11 AM

    We miss you too!!!
    Love Big Sis and Broken