This Shit Writes Itself

Below is a collection of e-mails I have received recently on Lavalife and POF. Note: I have a picture of myself indoor rock climbing in my profiles. 

Subject: Morning to you
hmm you seem like a honest nice gal that has a great sense of humor, and the fact that your honest or that is what you seem to be... i couldn't not to say what's up, hopefully you're having a good week? Even though the weather wasn't the best, well down here it wasn't ,even though it might be getting better excuse if pics get sented that alway seem to happpen...

Also excuse if this is alittle short, as i got log on this morning, and i couldn't help not to say hi, you kinda caught my eye! Anyways a if you feel like getting back then do, if not i understand! I would be alittle longer but work is a calling, but hopefully talk maybe with ya later!
take care

I had a headache BEFORE I tried to decipher this. He's from The Shwa, if that explains anything.
Subject: Is that some Joe Rockheads?
Hmm, can't quite tell. Looks like it, though. And no, I'm not staring at your ass (you can't tell, it's too dark! Besides, there other interesting things to look at...)

Graphic design huh? I'm always fiddling with Adobe (even right now!) Being in web dev demands a bit of it, aside from dumping those images on a webserver, then nagging the designers about any issues with them later >:D. I just make things go. You guys make it pretty.

Good afternoon Ms. Red. Yup. You're quite a beaute.

*Psst: don't spin on your climbing rope!*

Don't stare at my ass. Better yet, don't even MENTION my ass. And what does '*Psst: don't spin on your climbing rope!*' even mean?

Subject: Hi
Hi there...luved ur profile...unpredicatble is scary but that smile and the red hair--mmmm..yummy, a sure winner!...u sound quite adventuresome...care to be serenaded at all?

Don't say mmm..yummy in reference to me. Ever.

Subject: Love your smile and those big beautiful eyes
Hi, Just a note to ask if your profile is real and I would like to chat with you but not on this site but on yahoo. I am 44, 6'1". I would like to exchange the thoughts of our hearts. My aim is truth.

The thought of my heart is to vomit. My aim is delete.

Of course, right after I updated my blog, I received a smile on Lava from "Woody", and this is his profile:

In My Own Words
Profile of myself; I'm 53 independent professional no picture posted for business reasons most think that I'm in my early to mid 40's; sandy blonde hair with a sprinkle of grey, clear blue eye's, moustache with other facial hair on my lower lip; love to have fun, laugh a lot, like to travel, love shopping, dinning out love food from all cultures and try anything once.

Have had a very good run at life but I'm looking for more, someone to grow old with. I'm very happy which basically can do almost anything that I would like to do. When it comes down to women I'm very fussy that's why I'm still looking. Put it this way I don't have much trouble to get a date.

Would love to meet for coffee a drink or whatever; give me a shout by Email Only if interested. I'm a lot of fun just hope that you would like to join me.....Woody!!!

PS: Anyone that has a problem with handicap people please don't reply!
Because I have a artificial leg from below the knee I walk fine but just haven't
started running yet.......Woody!!!

This is a joke, right? Woody? Artificial leg? Come ON. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.


  1. Oh good god! Are these people for real?? Well if nothing else you can always take up standup and use this stuff LOL

  2. Anonymous12:59 PM

    Atleast he told u before u were taking his pants off? - tiki

  3. You're right, Tiki. Maybe I should re-think this. Nevermind the fact that he's only eight years younger than my dad, and was 24 when I was born.

    Could the artificial leg be a turn on? To quote my brother, "He's like a pirate. Arrrr."

    I will not make a joke about a parrot. I will NOT make a joke about a parrot...