Twitch Monkey

Omigod, I made a HUGE mistake. I swear I will learn from this, because I was severely punished by the Powers That Be last night.

Remember TT, the guy who was a bit too pushy and had financial issues? Well, after avoiding him for about a week, he sent me a text message asking why he never heard from me, followed by an e-mail asking what he did wrong. I felt bad, and wrote him back to tell him that he didn't do anything wrong, but I was having some trouble getting back into the dating game and was a little freaked out. I also mentioned that his financial situation was something of a problem for me, because of what I'd been through in the past.

He answered me to say that he knew how hard it was to start dating again, especially internet dating, and he had really enjoyed getting to know me, and maybe we could just hang out as friends and go from there. He was SO nice about it, and gave me a call later to talk. On the phone, conversation with TT was great -- he was funny and witty and kept me on my toes. I really thought that I could do the friendship thing with him (and I figured that meeting more people would help with my terrible nerves), so I agreed to meet him at Yorkdale last night.

There are regrets, and then there are REGRETS.

I met Twitch (that's right, dude's getting a nickname upgrade) at the elevator, and he gave me a big hug. Immediately, I determined that he was a) definitely not as cute as his pictures (how does that keep happening??) and b) not as tall as he had said he was. Whatever. He could tell I was really nervous, and asked if I wanted to go out for a smoke (yes, I've been smoking again since the breakup with Fucktard. I've had a terrible year. I'm aware of how bad it is. I WILL quit. Again. Little brothers, stop making that face), and I agreed. The catch: he didn't have any smokes, and had to bum one off me. Twitch stood super close to me (within my personal bubble) and said, "Well, you're not enormous and ugly, so that's good."

"Uh...thanks," I replied.

"In fact, I'd say you're a little hottie!"

"Okay, now I'm uncomfortable," I said, with a scrunchy face, and he laughed.

As we talked, I noticed that he would get distracted easily, and turn his head right around to watch someone, and then say something like, "Did you see that girl's pants? Those were weird pants. Like sheer or something. Why would someone wear that? Did you see?"

"Uh, no, I wasn't paying attention."

And then he'd change topics out of nowhere, like he had a wicked case of ADHD, and his hands were always fidgeting and moving around (hence the nickname). I realized that he was hoping for more than friendship, because he kept playfully punching me in the arm, or leaning into me. I wanted to go home, and it had been like ten minutes.

He asked if I wanted to walk around the mall, and stepped ahead to open the door for me.


He laughed. "Don't get used to it."

I walked to the next set of doors, opened one and walked through, pulling it closed behind me, right in his face. He laughed and opened the door, then gave me a shove so I literally took a few big steps forward. I wondered if he was going to pull my hair and/or snap my bra strap next.

Twitch said he wanted to go to the pet store and look at the kittens, so we took the long way around Yorkdale. That's when I noticed the walk: head foward, arms dangly, awkward. I couldn't quite put my finger on it until...monkey. He was walking like a fucking monkey. Wow, it was going to be a looooooooooong night.

"Ha! Did you see what that guy was wearing?"


He noticed the large rings on my fingers, and told me he was allergic to nickel. "I have this one good belt, but it's nickel plated, so you know, if I wear it too long it gives me a rash (I wish you could have seen my face when he said this). And I used to buy jewelry from this one store, and they had awesome stuff, like a Batman ring (again, face), but I couldn't wear it. Do you like silver? Or gold? Or white gold? Girls like gold. What are those, silver? Like sterling silver? Cool."

He talked, and talked, and talked. We passed a makeup kiosk where some dude stepped forward and said, "Ma'am, can I ask you a question?"

"No thanks, not interested," I said, and kept walking.

Twitch caught up to me. "You didn't have to be so rude."

I gave him a look. "He was selling makeup. I don't like anyone touching my face."

And then Twitch poked me in the cheek with his finger.

"Uhm, NO," I said, and smacked his hand away. I honestly considered kneeing him in the balls and running away.

We arrived at the pet store...or where the pet store used to be. Apparently Holt Renfrew bought the space and PJ's is no more. Plan B time. "Smoke?" I asked.

Outside, Twitch bummed another smoke off me. And another. I'm sorry, but anyone smoking that much should buy their own pack. He commented on the fact that I was chain smoking, but I didn't comment on the fact that it was the only thing getting me through my time with him. This was when I caught a glimpse of a tattoo. Something with feet. Likely something Loony Tunes. Ugh.

Twitch had recently quit his job, and I asked him how the job hunt was going.

"Well, I haven't really been looking. Hehehe. I'm lazy!"

"Oh," was all I could think of to say.

"Wow, that girl was totally checking me out! Or maybe you. But probably me."

We discussed friendships, and he mentioned that he had lost a lot of friends after he and his ex-wife split up. "Yeah, I don't have very many friends. That's okay. Whatever. Friends are overrated," he said.

He started talking about money, and how he has a ton of outstanding parking tickets. And why do people spend so much money on clothing? "Remember being in elementary school, and people would make fun of you if you bought your clothes at BiWay? Well, if BiWay was still around now, I'd buy my clothes there!"

What. the. fuck.

He was cold and wanted to go inside, so we walked to Sport Chek so he could look at hockey sticks. I stood around while he commented on how expensive they all were. He suggested looking at snowboards for me, but they didn't have any on the floor yet, and I told him it didn't matter, because I was going to rent the equipment until I was sure I really loved snowboarding.

Another lap around the mall, and on our way past the Apple store, he said, "I'd NEVER go in there!"

"Why not? That's the best store in the mall," I told him.

"I hate Apple."

"What's wrong with Apple? I Love my Mac."

"Macs are for stupid people," he replied, punched me lightly on the arm and laughed his ass off when I gave him the death glare.

We had the Mac vs PC argument for awhile, and then sat down on a bench near a hair salon. "I don't get how girls can spend over a hundred dollars to get their hair cut."

"I get a cut and dye, and it costs me over a hundred dollars," I told him.

"Wow, really? That's crazy! How about I cut your hair?"

"How about no."

He laughed. "So, how do you think our meeting is going so far?"

"Um, okay," I replied, as nicely as possible.

"Okay?" he punched me in the arm again, "Come on! You sure don't talk much!"

Then he was commenting on people's clothes again, and I wanted to ram sharp things into my ears. "You know what I hate? Ugly girls who dress up like they are hot and pretty. It just doesn't work, like that girl over there. And why do girls wear really low cut tops with their boobs hanging out, and then get mad at us when we look? Oh, and how come all girls have a fat friend?"

"Excuse me?"

"All pretty girls have a friend who is fat. Do you have a fat friend? Is Stef fat?"

"What?! NO!"

He laughed. "What's that store over there with the mannequins?"

"Hallowe'en costumes."

"Cool! Let's look!" He jumped up from the bench and headed towards the store.

I followed Twitch around the store for a bit (and gave him stink eye every time he turned away from me) and then he suggested we go out for another smoke. Yeah, smoke more of my cigarettes is more like it. Ass.

"So, are we gonna go on a real date sometime soon?" he asked (so much for just friends).

"Um," I hesitated, "Sure."

"What? Sure? That's all I get?! You should be shouting YES from the rooftops!"

I simply smiled, stared straight ahead and said, "I'm not really a shouting kind of person."

Twitch talked about how he loves theme parks and Florida and scuba diving. On and on and on about scuba diving. I think I made a few funny faces, because I noticed the guy sitting across from us looking at me and laughing. Well, at least someone was having fun. Finally, and I mean FINALLY, Twitch said that he was super tired (don't ask me how the unemployed could be so tired) and had to go. I gave him a quick hug and made an effort to walk, not run, away.

I got off the subway at my station and left the following message on Stef's voicemail:

"Two letters: N and O. Well THAT was a fucking waste of makeup. Call me."

I just came back from my lunch break to the following e-mail:

From: Twitch
Subject: hehe

So what did you tell stef when you got home? hehehe

Time to send "The E-mail". I'm afraid this one isn't going to go away without a fight. I'm starting to have lawyer déjà vu.


  1. Anonymous1:38 PM

    Your blog needs a "Like" button.

  2. Anonymous8:38 PM

    This story scares me...I don't even want my unborn daughters to date when I read this. What a douche (am I allowed to say douche on this blog?)

  3. The VERY good news is that Twitch Monkey did go away without a fight. After I sent him "The E-mail" and deleted him from Facebook, he disappeared. Insert huge sigh of relief here.

    Of course you can say douche! No such thing as taboo on my blog :)