Speed Dating!

So here's the moment you've all been waiting for: Speed Dating! If I had to sum the experience up in one word, it would be "interesting", hahaha!

I got myself all prettied up (new dress!) and headed downtown to meet Crystal for 6 (tugging on my bottom of my dress the whole time, because it kept riding up and I was afraid of flashing everyone). On my way down there my nerves got the best of me and I felt like I was going to vomit all over my boots. Ew.

Crystal and I grabbed some pizza before heading up to The Madison (fashionably late, of course. Ok, not so much fashionably late as not wanting to appear too eager and therefore, desperate). As we picked up our nifty name sticker and paid the $30, I scanned the room. My first thoughts: Uhm...how to put this tactfully? Where are all the caucasian guys? And why do the very few caucasian guys look like they chill in mom's basement, playing Star Wars on the computer and speaking in Klingon? ...oh dear God.

Too late to panic and run (read: launch myself out the window), it was date time! Okay, so they blow the whistle and you've got five minutes. They give you a sheet to write down the names of the guys and 'yes' or 'no', plus an extra sheet for comments...and the comment sheet is where all the fun happens. Annnnnnnd, GO!

Guy #1
Crystal: Young Guido, lives in Etobicoke.
Me: Gino with greasy hair, talks with a lisp. Hahahaha!

Guy #2
Crystal: Short, funny. Wouldn't stop staring at me.
Me: Dude has a pimple on his eye, balding big time. (This guy creeped me out - he seemed awkward, desperate, and kept whining about how people in Toronto need to slow down. I told him that I was just fine with the pace, thanks.)

Guy #3
Crystal: Older, Cambridge, white <-----lmao!
Me: Old Man Advertising.

Guy #4
Crystal: 32 years old, lives downtown, about 190-200lbs, bald top, brown jacket, lived in Ottawa for school, done with the club scene, Indian/mix?
Me: Fat guy who likes artsy people. Ginoed out!!! Gold chain, pinkie ring.

Guy #5
Crystal: Small, boring, tiny, freaky
Me: Looks like a little monkey (he really did! And I forgot to write down the name or number of this guy, as I was so mesmerized by the uni-brow)

Guy #6
Crystal: From Jordan, Iraq, likes to draw and design cars, works in printing company, shy, bashful.
Me: Uhm...talks funny and laughs like a squirrel :-/

Guy #7
Crystal: Swimming, owns his own clothing store (2nd year), salsa, dad, divorced, was married to a Crystal.
Me: Hey oh, it's big hair Tony! And he's wearing coloured contact lenses (blue...so very Italian). He wouldn't shut up for two seconds about swimming. Dude loves to swim. A lot. Because it makes him feel good, the swimming. Releases some kind of good chemicals in the brain. And I live up by Yonge and Eglinton? Did I know there's a pool there? On the rooftop? Where you can swim? Oy.

Guy #8
Crystal: Black, laughs a lot, from Scarborough, works in IT, going to school part-time for commerce degree, kind of awkward.
Me: Big, funny, loud, bald black guy who looks like a cat. This guy was a hoot - they blew the whistle and he kept yelling about how that wasn't five minutes!

Guy #9
Crystal: Gay? Annoying.
Me: Gay.

Crystal: Oriental. NO! OMG CREEPY! Disturbing.
Me: Hyper Oriental guy who stares intently (bug eyes).

Guy #11
Crystal: 33 years old, short but fun, skydiving, likes to scuba dive, very active.
Me: Guy who thought he was a loser for signing up - very squirrely - going grey. Went on and on about how he wasn't sure if she should sign up, and then the decided that it was Wednesday night and he had nothing else to do (me thinks this isn't his first Wednesday night with nothing to do) so he signed up at the last minute. And he felt like a loser coming up the stairs. And he was the first one here. And someone blow the fucking whistle already.

Guy #12
Crystal: Musician, plays guitar, foot therapist.
Me: This was the only guy I checked 'yes' for. Musician though...bad, bad, bad. I've sworn off of the musicians. He was alright I guess, and I didn't want to say 'no' to EVERYONE!

Guy #13
Crystal: White, started his own company, Finnish background.
Me: Uhm, where's his neck? This guy was real big, like a bodybuilder with a brush cut.

Guy #14
Crystal: 25 years old, fun, broker.
Me: This dude asked me to come up with a unique question, whatever I wanted. So I asked him to pick a song that best describes him and why. He got that hit-by-a-truck look on his face and started rambling about not knowing bands or singers or names of songs and such. Lame (by the by, this guy was friends with Guy #1). Then he asked me to come up with another question, and I told him it was his damn turn, since he couldn't even answer mine. So he kept laughing and I kept saying, "What?" and then they blew the whistle and he leaned over and said he was going to ask what the craziest thing I've ever done sexually is? Ew. Saved by the whistle.

Guy #15
Crystal: Older, traffic patterns, lives downtown. Sarcastic? Couldn't tell. Works in Oakville.
Me: Intense, makes me uncomfortable! He kept asking about my silver rings, calling them my 'brass knuckles'. He had a way of invading your personal space, without actually being IN your personal space.

With all the horrible things I wrote down, I figure that not only am I going to hell, but I'm pretty sure I'll be driving the bus :-/ I think my punishment will be Speed Dating, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

So needless to say, not much in the way of potentials. I'm going to keep going with Crystal because this is the stuff fantastic blogs are made of! And I'm not too upset, seeing as I had a really great date the other night. That's right, hell has officially frozen over! But I'll save that story for next time (when I'm not so fuckin tired).



  1. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm crying here - my stomach hurts - PLEASE, more speed-dating blogs!!!!


  2. The publishers should start lining up for your manuscript!!

  3. Anonymous10:59 AM

    When do we get to hear about the nipple ripper? Come on...entertain us!!!!!!

  4. Anonymous2:07 PM

    Glad to see that you met some of the animals at the zoo.