F*ck You

Seeing as the online well has dried up recently, I figured it's time to go back to the start of this so-called dating life. This is going to be a long one!
I signed up with Lavalife a few months after my last serious relationship ended (lets NOT go there, shall we?) because I lead a very busy life and am not big into the bar scene, so it seemed like the most promising way to meet people.
The first person I really started talking to was Toph (fuck protecting this one - you'll understand soon enough). He was exactly my type...a bit bigger, tall, dark, had the facial hair happening, was into the rock tunes, and dressed like a rocker. Wicked bad ass.
We talked on the phone and on MSN for a couple weeks before meeting, seeing as I was new to the whole online dating experience. We made plans to meet at the Eaton Centre one Saturday afternoon. As I waited outside the mall, trying to smoke my nerves away, I felt like I was going to puke all over my shoes. This slimy guy in a wife-beater came over and tried to pick me up while I was waiting, and wouldn't leave me alone until i promised to meet him there the next afternoon (I'll leave it up to you guys to guess whether or not I went).
So Toph walks up and hugs me, laughing at how I'm shaking from head to toe with nerves. We walk down to Chicago's on Queen St., sit on the patio and start talking. Conversation is easy, we have a lot in common, he makes me laugh. I am in shock as I sit there because I actually really like him. He works in video game animation and is finishing up some school courses in animation as well. The more we drink, the more my nerves calm. He holds my hand. We do tequila shots. He is very close with his sister and shows me pictures of his adorable niece.
We decide to go see a movie, so he takes my hand (and I am not usually a hand-holder, but it was comfortable and non-smothering) and we head down to the theatre to watch Wedding Crashers. Things were going so well that after the movie, we went back to Chicago's and had some more drinks. He talked of how he needed a date for his dad's 50th birthday party and his sister's wedding. He told me that he didn't need Lava anymore, because I was perfect for him. I wear an Irish Claddagh ring, and he turned it around so the heart faced me...which means that I am "with" someone.
After he kissed me goodnight and I went home, I was amazed (yet a little freaked out) about how quickly things were moving. But I really liked him, and decided to go with the flow - it's in my nature to take a chance and jump in with both feet (my boss says she needs to put me on a fishing line and reel me in when I go with my heart too quickly, because I tend to get hurt). We talked off and on over the next week and made plans to meet up on the Friday. He came over to my place with a bottle of tequila and we watched a movie. We got pretty hammered and made out a little (read: a lot).

It was after that second date that Toph started disappearing for a few days at a time. He cited finishing up his last few weeks of school as an excuse. Hey, I'd done the crazy school thing, I understood. But when I didn't hear from him for an entire week, I confronted him about it. He told me that he was a bit freaked at the pace of things, and thought it was too soon for me to accompany him to the birthday party. Exhaling a sigh of relief, I told him that I was on the same page and we both laughed it off. However, the disappearing act continued, and my patience began to wear thin. I went out on a date with someone else. I turned my ring back around. And then the phone call came at 4 in the morning. It was Toph and he sounded drunk and told me he had lost his keys and missed me and wanted to see me. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I let him in. And I got laid. And it would have been awesome, except for the fact that he was extremely selfish in the sex department, if you know what I mean >:( <---- grr, angry face! My friend was on her way over, and Toph was still at my place. I figured that he would make a run for it before she arrived, but he actually stuck around to meet her, which meant a lot to me. His sister and niece came to pick him up, and he took me out and introduced me to them. I gave his niece a big bag of my socks. His sister was incredibly sweet.
Again, the disappearing act. Again I was annoyed. At this point, I figured there was NO WAY I would be going to the sister's wedding, especially after skipping the dad's 50th birthday party, but then I got the e-mail from the sister, asking how to spell my name for the place card. Uhm...WHAT? I finally got a hold of him and he acted like everything was fine and told me he was really looking foward to being with me at the wedding.
I know I was stupid. I know I made mistakes. I know I have learned from all this.
I went to the wedding and I looked hot. Toph was in the wedding party, so I had to get a ride to Markham (thanks, Stef!) and sit BY MYSELF at the back of the church. Plus, I had my overnight bag with me and I'm standing there thinking, noooo, I don't look like a whore at all with all this cleavage and these heels and an overnight bag :-/
Ceremony was nice, but all I could think about was how stupid it was for me to agree to do this. I mean, I'm an introvert and this is forcing me to be an extrovert and I am SO uncomfortable right now and if I just run out the back door, would anyone notice? But I stuck it out, and Toph introduced me to everyone as his date, NOT his girlfriend. Since he had to take off for pictures, he left me with his best friend, Ian and his girlfriend, Dana, who actually turned out to be really great people. I went with them to Ian's parents' place to pick up their gift. Ian introduced me to his mom and she said, "So, you're Christopher's girlfriend?" and I started laughing. "No," I said, "I am his DATE, NOT to be confused with girlfriend. Toph wanted to play this game? I could play too.
So after tea and cookies with mom, we headed back to the hotel in Markham. I ditched my overnight bag in the hotel room, and headed back downstairs to mingle with a bunch of strangers. Toph's entire extended family kept calling me his "girlfriend", and I was getting sick of correcting everyone. At dinner, I was separated from Ian and Dana, and the people at my table were a bunch of rowdy drunks. I sat on a chair all night - I didn't even have a smoke (and I found out later that Toph went out for many smokes, but didn't bother asking me to join him). Ian and Dana left early, and Toph would come and sit with me for a few minutes and then take off again. He never asked me to dance. His stepfather dragged me out of my chair and made me dance to Madonna's "Holiday" with him (thankfully, there are no pictures of this). He brought me two drinks all night. The experience was horrible and I felt extremely used.
We went up to the hotel room and crashed, as it was late and we were very tired. 8 am and the phone starts ringing. I crawl my tired ass to the washroom, and when I come out, he has the blinds wide open and tells me that we have to be down for breakfast in five minutes. Uhm, WHAT??!! My hair is everywhere, my makeup is smeared across my face and I feel like a bag of dirt. I tell him this is HIS family, I am just a DATE, and he can go down and do the breakfast thing. He tells me I better hurry up, because his sister specifically asked that I be there too. Unfuckingbelievable. I throw on a sweater, pull my krufty hair back and toss on some sunglasses. I want to die...or kill him, I haven't decided which yet.
Happy breakfast with the family. Everyone exchanges all these stories about the bride and groom (who are wearing "I love my husband" and "I love my wife" t-shirts, might I add, causing me to throw up in my mouth a little) and pass around a framed love poem, while I keep my head down, my sunglasses on, and shovel eggs into my mouth, cursing Toph under my breath. I have to stand with Toph while he says goodbye to the entire extended family, who say to me, "We hope to see you again!" which results in such an awkward goodbye. We watched the niece swim in the pool for a few minutes, then went up for our bags and loaded them into his dad's car.
Think this is the end of my weekend from hell? Hahaha, if only I were so lucky. Toph tells me that we're going back to his sister's place to watch her open gifts. I was stuck...his dad was driving and I couldn't exactly ask him to change his plans and drive me home. Cabs home from Markham would have cost $60 +. I wanted to lie under the front tire of his dad's car and pray for a quick death.
Sister's place. I help everyone carry all the gifts into the apartment. Everyone is treating me like one of the family - and don't get me wrong, his family was great. Loved his dad, sister, brother-in-law and niece. Toph, however, was a fucking asshole. We watch the sister open gifts and then she yells, "Girls trip to Wal-Mart!!!" Uhm, WHAT?! Oh no no no, this was just never ending! I was sick of Toph's silent treatment (he had barely said a word to me since we left the hotel), so I decided to go with the girls. I had a really good time with the sister - she was so nice and funny and made me feel completely welcome. Back to the apartment and I had pizza with everyone.
I had had enough. I didn't know where things stood. It was the strangest weekend of my life and the strangest relationship (if that's what you want to call it) I had ever been in. I was tired, cranky, and wanted to go home. He told me that he was tired and going home to crash (he lived with his dad in the apartment building next door) and wanted to know if I was going with him? I told him that no, I was tired and wanted to go home. I said my goodbyes to the family and he walked me outside, pointed to the bus stop, and left me there. Yes, you read that right.
So Toph pulled the disappearing act for a couple weeks, and I finally confronted him because I thought he owed me an explanation. He told me, "You just seem real anxious for us to be more than we are," and, "If you're getting upset about us, then you're taking it too seriously." Yes, the guy who took me to his sister's wedding, spent an entire weekend with me and introduced me to his entire extended family was telling me this. And he was saying this after I had not called, e-mailed or sent him messages for over two weeks. I could have fucking killed him. My Irish temper flared and I told him to go fuck himself, and never EVER contact me again. One block and delete later, he was gone.
That was the last I heard from Toph, but if I ever see him walking down the street and I'm driving a car, it is not likely I will brake.
Worst. Dating. Experience. EVER.


  1. Anonymous9:09 AM

    Was it worse than the Nipple Ripper???

  2. Anonymous3:24 PM

    I cant even believe any of this. It seems like a romance novel. Next time stranded in Markham CALL DIANA!!!